I'm In Love.

OH MYYY BUDDHAAAAA! THIS BOY IS SOOOOOOOO CUTE! AND HE CAN SING! AND ITS GEORGE NOZUKA'S SONG! AND HE SAYS MY NAME! OH MY BUDDHA!!!!!!!!!!!! (P.S. - HE'S ASIAN!!!!)

George Nozuka

I la la la la LOVE him. He's super Sexy. And these songs of his, his voice, his words, make me melt inside ;)

But for 'TALK TO ME' , you gotta turn up the volume just a little bit more, to get that OOMPH! that melts you :P

Talk to me - George Nozuka

Unfaithful

I am strongly ashamed and disgusted of myself, thus far. How can I do such a cruel thing? What is going through my head? I promise not to contradict myself and yet I am guilty of my actions. But what ever. I'm gonna let my life flow, as the path must go.

I Just Want To Be A Real Girl.

Its like I'm looking for something out there and I'm trying to find something.
But I look in the mirror and see me, and see nothing.
Merry Belated Christmas.

Pinocchio Story

This song. Something about this song. Really hits me. I love it. Kanye Baby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

And...

its already the EVE of CHRISTMAS. Tomorrow is Christmas. Lately, things couldn't have been more lovely. My friends are soooo... I LOVE THEM! I can't really express it. I'm so happy. My environment is trash, and this has got to be the coldest Winter ever, my fingers are numb, half the time I'm freezing to death, but having the people in my life, melts away the cold. I feel horrible. I am a horrible daughter though. I'm a suck ass cousin. I'm just bad. I'm dirty. Wrong. Half these people who love me, are wrong. They shouldn't. I'M A GRINCH. But I'm still contemplating. I'm still confused. I can't find the answer. I CAN'T. So let me know, you know? Why. Just tell me WHY.

Mi Amor.

I love somebody. At least I think I do. Its childish. But I mean, I love someone. Not crazy head over heels, but there's definitely a rush of warmth when we meet. I care so much. All I want to do is hold you. Be with you. Love you forever. You are so special to me. I love you so much. Its not your looks. Its not your money. Its you. And I want you. All of you, to me.

And now at this moment, I have tears. They're rolling and falling.

Falling as I fell for you.

But I, I'm sorry.
I love you so much.
But its not gonna work.
There are so many holding me back.

I can't do this anymore.
I don't want to hurt anyone.

You Are Great

Its really crazy how things fall together and how they just happen. I'm so lucky. I really am. I'm not going to say everything, but I will say enough. I realized that in order to get something, you have to go out and get it yourself. You have to do things crazy in order to get what you want. Not always, but occasionally.

I've been waiting for today for the longest time. It felt like months since I've waited, and now, its over. I was so anxious to get out of school today just to do what I had planned. Now I am not one to make plans, and for once, when I DID make a plan, it worked out so beautifully. I'm so happy. I had so much fun. With someone very amazing. Although I felt horribly ugly and much worse, I hope that he/she enjoyed their time with me, as I did for them. I love that person. They're awesome! :)

But I feel guilty.
So guilty.

me.

i'm mean.
i'm stupid.
i'm ugly.
i'm bad.
i'm a horrible daughter.

My Dedication Pt. 2

Well. I learned to accept my ways. My stupid stupid ways. And you know what? I just realized, that I am happy for you. I truly am. I am happy that you're happy. And even if I have to be replaced, forgotten, or looked upon even a little differently, as long as you, My Best Friend, is or are, whatever, as long as you're happy, None of my problems should matter. You're happy, so I am happy. Its all I want for you. And my wish has came true. My Best Friend is Happy. Hooray!

Spill' it. - My Dedication.

Okay. Lets get down to it. I admit it. I am selfish. I am selfish and I want you all to myself. No Homo or anything. Its just that I don't have anybody else, and you've always been there for me since part 1. It hurts to know that you must admit that you've hadn't had this much fun in a long time. It hurts to hear you say that because I'm with you nearly all the time. And it is NOW that you feel happy. So that means whenever you are with me, I'm just another day, another that, another this and I am just there. Maybe its just me, but when I'm with you, I am so happy. I am so happy because I'm with my Best Friend. And I am so happy because I love her. She is my sister. My guardian. And my freakin' homie. But she goes out with others for a nice time, and her whole life has brightened up. But when with me, now I know the truth. Now I know that I was right. I always felt like I wasn't good enough. I always knew that. But you'd tell me otherwise. But in my heart I could feel, that no, this cannot be true. I just knew it. But I brushed it off because I trusted you. I took your word. I just played along, hoping that just for once, this was an achieved acceptance and a dream. Not a nightmare like everything else. And now I know. Now I know, that I, I seriously can't do anything right. Now I knew it. I felt it. I feel it. I proved myself right again, that I can't be understood ever. And that ME being around doesn't make a difference. I know now that I can't make anyone happy anymore. And you know what? I am hurt. I am sad. I am Mad. Because I, I love too much. I trust too easily, I get my hopes too high. And its just me. I'm my own problem. I give in and care too much. When the people I love the most, can't feel anything when I'm there.

I LOVE THESE PEOPLE. MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE I CARE FOR RIGHT NOW.

I LOVE MY GOOBER! SHE IS MY EFFIN SISTER! SO DAMN AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL! I LOVE HER! GOOB GOOB. WORDS CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN. AMAN YOU'RE SO GORGEOUS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I WISH I WAS BEAUTIFUL LIKE YOU. YOU'RE PERFECT. AND THE GREATEST FRIEND I EVER HAD.

MARYAM; MY MARE BEAR! SHE IS SOOO SWEET AND PURE AND GORGEOUS KIM KARDASHIAN! I LOVE HER BFF! YOU'RE SOO PRETTY. YOU DON'T THINK YOU ARE BUT GIRL YOU ARE A SHOW STOPPER! ANY GUY THAT GETS YOU IS LUCKY. YOU'RE WONDERFUL GIRL. AND MY BEST FRIEND. REMEMBER WHEN WE GRADUATE TOKYO GIRL! HAHA

AHECONTORUH! MY BIG BROTHER AND MY BEST FRIEND! I LOVE HIM. IF IT WASN'T FOR HIM IN THE FAM. I'D BE DEAD.

KANFREAKDA; STILL MY BBY COUSIN. THINGS CHANGE. PEOPLE HAVE MISJUDGED YOU, BUT I STILL AND ALWAYS WILL ACCEPT AND LOVE YOU.

I MISS MY BESTIE! VIC; I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU KNOW OR THINK. HAVEN'T SPOKE TO YOU IN AGES. I KNOW I'VE BEEN REPLACED, BUT I LOVE YOU. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. I MISS YOU SO MUCH GIRL. SO MUCH, ITS HARD TO BREATHE.

MY BEAUTIFUL PARWINDY WIT HER BIGG@$$ ; SEXY GIRL! LOVEE HER!
SHE IS DEE BEST. LUBB JU HUNNIE! THE HOSPITAL WOULD NOT BE GOOD
IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU BEING MY PARTNER.

MY BABIE BOY RAY RAY; LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY! YOU'RE GETTING SO BIG :D I SO PROUD OF YOU!! I MISS YOU RAY RAY. SO MANY MEMORIES. NEVER FORGOTTEN.

KIMBO; LOVE YOU GIRL. MY CABBAGE PATCH =D YOU AND YOUR STORIES. YOU'RE MY FAVORITE WHITE GIRL.

BUTTERCUP!! TYRESE GIRL, YOU'RE MY BFF. YOU'RE SO KUTE!
AND I LOVE YOU HUBBIE! MY EFFIN HUSBAND. I WISH I COULD CHILL WIT
YOU MORE , BUT MY ASIAN PARENTS HUNNIE. BUT YOU'RE MY GIRL. AND
NO MATTER WHAT I LOVE YOU.

HABEEBA HABEEB! BEEBA BEEP BEEP; HIGGA; MY NIGGA. YOU'RE THE BEST! I LUBB JU NIGGA! YOU'RE SO FUNNIE. AND ALWAYS MAKE ME SMILE. YOU MEAN A LOTS TO ME. MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW OR MORE THAN YOU THINK.


MANINDY MANINDY JU ARE SO PRETTIE! I LOVE YOU HUNNIE!
YOU HELP ME SO MUCH WITH STUFFS. YOU'RE SO SWEET AND
I LUBB JU SO MUCH. YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. WHEN I AM DOWN
BOUT SOMEONE (YOU KNOW..) YOU ALWAYS HELP ME. AND YOU ARE SO
NICE. NOT MANY PEOPLE LIKE YOU. I LUBB JU MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER
KNOW!



JO JO! I LOVE YOUUU. AHH YOU'RE SO SEXY! AND SO GAY!!! HAHA.

BUT YOU'RE SO SEXY LOL AND YOU'RE SO GAY AND I LOVE YOU ANYWAY.

CHRIS; WE BEEN THROUGH A LOT. YOU'RE KEWL. LIKE ICE! LOL
BUT IDK. YOU MAKE ME WONDER SOMETIMES. BUT HEY, YOU'RE GREAT.

BUT THESE TWO ARE MY BFFS FOR ALWAYS!

MUS!C@!!

I've got a new obsession. Haha. Sike Not much of an Obsession, but I swore
that I'd stick to my true love ; R&B HIP HOP JAZZ OLDIES RAP ETC; allll
that goooood stuff except for that CRAZY METAL CRAP OR COUNTRY?!

But you know what? Personally IDGAF anymore. I love music.
Someone got a problem with it; keep it to yourself because good
music is simply good music. All music is great. And we are all
entitled to our own opinions. And I am letting mine be known!

I am in looooooooooooooove with this
Screamo/Techno Band ; ATTACK ATTACK! ii LOVEEEE THEM!



A Hecontoruh showed me them and iii am addicteddddddddddd.

I also love that country girl Taylor Swift;




Her music is lovely and she is Beautiful.

I love Music. And I always will :)
No matter what kind.
No matter what anyone thinks.
No matter WHAT.

November 25, 2008

MY LIFE BE LIKEEEEEEEEEEE;

I'm Sorry

You know what? I wanna scream. I wanna shout.
I really want to come outside of my body, and beat the hell out of me.
I already pulled my hair out.
Beat myself as much as I could.
But I promise you, none of this will ever hurt as bad as to the words I hear, and all the drama that is here.
DESPITE WHAT YOU SAY, ABOUT TRUSTING MY WORD AGAINST THEIRS,
I know for a fact, it is HIS word against mine.
You know it hurts me to know, that you love him more than I.
But no I am not jealous, no I do not blame you
I take responsibility for what I said, but let me tell you one thing.

If anyone ever loved you, it was I.
And anything over that is a lie.

CRU$H.

I LOVE THIS SONG!

Responsibility.

I am so lucky.
I'm so blessed.
And I still complain for more.

I'm so stupid.
But than again, I do appreciate what I have.
I just don't take advantage of things.

But today, I am happy for the people in my life.
Even if they don't love me, I love them.
SO MUCH.

Even if drama has a part to do with it,
I will learn to accept what has happened.
No matter what, even if people hate me afterwards,
because I too am at fault.

ahh sexy song.

Maybe

Maybe if I ran away, they'd all go crazy. Maybe they'd care. Better yet I know they would, but would they ever give me my freedom? Would they ever give me my privacy? Would they ever respect my thoughts, my actions, my beliefs, my heart?

NO.

I am horrible. Like a domino chain going down the line. One fall, two fall, three fall, all fall.
I keep falling and I DON'T STOP.

I feel like an outsider.
In school, at HOME.
In school I share my excitements for our new President.
I walk in to the class, proudly preach the words; "OBAMA! OBAMA! OUR NEW PREZ!"

And I get looked down upon, and I hear their criticism. I hear the hate, the anger, and I feel their pain.

But I have faith in him. Any they should too.
Despite his stupid middle name.
Despite what you THINK*;
He is here to make better, nothing more, nothing less.
JUST BECAUSE I'M 1 OUT OF THE 5 COLORED PEOPLE IN MY SCHOOL,
DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT GONNA SHARE WHAT I WANT TO SAY.

AND IF I DO, DON'T JUDGE ME.
BECAUSE I SPEAK OF ONLY HAPPINESS.

AND IF YOU CAN'T BRING ANY PEACEFUL THOUGHTS TO OUR WORLD,
THAN KEEP IT TO YOUR KIND SELF.

"Love all. Trust Few. Do wrong to NO ONE."

Reasons.

Bong Bong got in a car accident today.
Smashed his car up! The whole grill.
It's sad. We just got it repaired.

But I don't think he's bad.
I think that

everything happens for a reason.

Nigga's.

Eff boys. Eff Nigga's. ALL OF THEM. I'm hurt. Or maybe I'm just so sensitive. No one can know the truth. But in my heart, in my thoughts, I'll never forget what happened last night. I'll never like/love a boy again.

I Need To Get Myself TOGETHER

I'm so broken right now. No depressing stuff, actually its just that I'm extremely falling apart. I have got to get myself together! I can't complete anything. Everything is half done or unfinished. I'm sucha Butt. And I quit on lots of stuff. I hate being a quitter, but ey it is what it is. Why does my lazyness get to me so much? I'm really loosing it! And even now, as I'm writing, I should be doing my 5 page; front and back essay thats due tomorrow. Shhhhhhh....d. Where is the organized, fully-planned agenda-ready VIRGO at? Come back!

Pissed.

Goober told me something I'll never forget. Something true, most of the time, and something I already knew, but since she said it, now its even more clear to me. She told me that parents are only happy when ever you work for them. Or when ever you work. They are never satisfied if its completely done though. Why can't they appreciate what has been done. Even when MOST of it is done. I agree. They always put more criticism on you. More anger and pain on you. And I don't need any other people jumping into what has to do with me. I don't care if you're my brother. I'm sick of Bong Bong. He really needs to stfu. When my mom is procrastinating about me, don't jump in and add to my misery. Matter fact, get the f@#! OUT MY LIFE. You are one of the biggest negative influences in my life. F@#$ YOU. I hate myself already. Kill me if you think I'm a b!@#$ oranything else.

REHAB

Baby, Baby, When we first met,
I never felt somethin' so strong.
You were like my lover and my best friend.
All wrapped into one, with a ribbon on it.

And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to ya?
Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do ya?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back.
And you are the one to blame
And now I feel like - ooh!

You're the reason why I'm thinking,
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more.
I guess that's what i get for wishful thinking,
Should've never let you enter my door.
Next time you wanna go on and leave...
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed.....

It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease.


I gotta check into Rehab Baby.
Cause you're my disease.

I LOVE THIS SONG<3

Dear You.

Dear You. Yes YOU, reading this. I am sorry, deeply within my heart of mine, that I cannot and will never be able to bring some happiness your way. I'm sorry I am not right and unfit for any size and that my still face is mistaken for anger. For that my smile seems unreal and that no matter what I do it is not ever good enough or at least worth some effort of action. I am sorry that the things I do are misunderstood, and that who I am will never reach a level of common sense, affection, some act of right, and/or your level of normal. I am sorry that I, Victoria Lovely, am nothing more but a failed, disrespectful, embarrassing, rude, bitchy, pissy, attitudish, wrong, ugly, immature, stupid, selfish, sister, daughter, friend, cousin, stranger, associate, student, girl-like individual.

For that, I rid of my existence from your blissful eyes, ears, mouth, structure and, soul.
I can and will never be a good individual.

NOT EVER.

FANTASY

I'm gonna pretend that I'm standing on a bridge. This bridge is titanium GOLD. Holden Caulfield is with me - Dexter Luy, Mah Yay Phang Bun Hieng, Confucius, Albert Einstein, J.D. Salinger, Heathcliff Andrew Ledger, Bruce Lee, Princess Diana, Bob Marley, Tupac Shakur, John Lenon, Martin Luther King, Edgar Allen Poe, Ghandi, The Good, The Bad, The Pretty, The Ugly;

All are with me and with love, with our hearts; We are all together as ONE.
And we find Peace.

We find PEACE.

Mom

I'm always incomplete in everything I do now. What's there to live for now? I don't know what life is......Or most of all:
I don't know what a mom is.

Happy.

Now when I look back, it went from love to shame.
Shame to hurt.
Hurt to confusion.
There never was true happiness in my life.

Ever.

Suckah

My life is so boring. Haha. NO; it really is. Oh and I suck at it too. I'm just a.....SUCKAH. I want some awesome person to just pop into my life and take me beyond my limits. I don't want to live in fear anymore. I don't want to live while wondering about who is watching. I'm watching. That's all that should matter. But than I sound selfish. Huyyy, this is hard.

Today was my last day at the Nursery Clinical. It was the best time I ever had. People are amazing. I saw a baby boy named Stewart get cirumcised. It was painful to me, myself. I could feel it. There was a baby boy that was just brought into this world yesterday. October 23, 2008. I believe the name was BB Bethany West, or something like that. I do know that the last name is West though. That was my patient. She was amazing. People like that are people who save my life. It was nice. It was nice.

Yes, Nice it was.

OCT23O8

It is exactly two months passed my 17th birthday. Isn't it lovely? Hehe. Well, I think that's craaazy. School was poopy. I felt oh so ugly. And when I feel ugly, my whole day is ruined. After school was nice. Cleaned, ate, texted, drove, and cleaned again. I learned something about myself. I'm soo chinky. Like chinky as hellz. I cannot escape it. And oh! KOREAN GUYS ARE SEXY. THEY MAKE ME WANNA EAT ONE! GOSH NEVER KNEW THAT SEXYNESS EXISTED.

I want one.
Mmmmm` yummy as hell ;)

later<3

I'M UGLY.

I'm so cold. Inside and out. My feet feel numb. They didn't fall asleep, but they're so cold. Its more like when you run outside with socks on, in the snow, and walk around letting it steal your heat; Than you just sit on the porch, and your feet just feel like ice. My hands are cold too. And I'm hurt. Anyways, RANDOM: I don't know why I'm so insecure about myself. I really really, truly believe that I am ugly. And coming to think of it, why should that matter? And why do I care so much?! It really frustrates me. I'm so idiotic for thinking in such a way, and its funny I say that too, because still, I find myself stressing over it. But no, really, I AM SO UGLY! I feel like if no one can see that I'm pretty than they don't see me at all. When I'm in Cambodia, I'm considered the American Cambodian Girl. When I'm in America, I'm considered Oriental, Asian, Chinese, "Blackanese", Japanese, Korean. Never am I looked at as A PERSON. I hear people talking poop about different Asian people and they say how Chinese people are so ugly, and how the rest of us are too; That kills me. That's why I feel ugly. Because people talk poop like that, always saying Asians are ugly. So when people call me Chinese, I feel ugly, now knowing that from others' views; Chinese are ugly. Which in their case, they're referring to ALL Asians.

I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.

Thats what I hear in my head.
Thats what I say when I see myself.

Why does beauty matter so much to me?
I don't understand.

Maybe it's because I value love so much.
Love is beauty.

And I guess I'm realizing that I will never receive love because I am NOT A BEAUTY.

So many men in my life; ACTUALLY SCRATCH THAT.
So many BOYS in my life always turn me down, telling me I'm ugly; That I look Chinese.

Well, love me for me than.
Not my face.

Sollers/Bad Day/Good Day.

So, I woke up early today, than fell asleep, than woke up, than fell asleep, than woke up, fell asleep and than finally woke up at 6am. I got in the shower at probably 6:30. I missed the bus anyways. I got out at 6:52am. I woke up mommy. She didn't get in the shower until 7:10am. That made me late. Today at Sollers, we were going to start Clinicals for real this time. The bus leaves at 7:45am. I was already aggravated cause moms was taking her good time. We live almost 20 minutes away and we left at 7:30am. Likee damnnns mama, you trippinnn`!. Anyways, Cabbage Patch texted me, saying that she got my smock. When I got to the school everybody was on the bus. I ran in the locker room, dropped my stuff, and came out. Mrs. Loper stopped me arrogantly asking me where my smock was. I told her Kim had it. She didn't believe me. Whatta Butt. I ran on the bus even more frustrated and Kim didn't even have it! I had to run back in the building, get my smock, and than the locker wouldn't open! I was losin' it. Luckily on the fourth try, I got it. I ran back out, and than Albrecht tells me to get off the bus. Maryam's with me and Albrecht says that we can't go to Clinical's for the vending machine incident last Tuesday. She wrote us up with Office Referrals. I don't know why, but I lost it. Mare lost it too. I felt so guilty for Mare, but not my own, but also frustrated confused and unfairly treated. I don't know why, but I started ballin'. I cried like crazy. I screamed, and shouted and hit the door. I was mad.

Mare cried. I felt so bad. I wanted to stop her pain, but I was crying even more. I busted my butt tryna get there, and I awaited the Clinical's forever, and this is how I am treated.

When we got in the office, it wasn't too bad. It was nice. I told the truth and NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. Till than;

Let's put this in fate's hands, and allow honesty and rightousness to lead the way.

UNO.

I wanna believe that I'm a good person. I wanna believe that I am kind. But literally, I am not. I am really disturbed with myself. Habeeb called me weird when we were chatting. Coming to really, really think of that, I realize that I am weird. I am weird, and it sucks. It hurts even more to have someone say it to me though. I mean I've heard it thousands of times, but when he said it, I really felt it. Today was bad. Than it was good. Than it was weird. Now its sad.

I took the trash out. The moon looked lovely. The sky and the clouds. Something about that sky. I swear if only I could fly up there. If only imagination, along with reality, had no limits; In good I mean; Than I could really go there. Some type of Aladdin stunt. That would be amazing. I wish I could. Maybe after life. That's what I'll do.