I Need To Get Myself TOGETHER

I'm so broken right now. No depressing stuff, actually its just that I'm extremely falling apart. I have got to get myself together! I can't complete anything. Everything is half done or unfinished. I'm sucha Butt. And I quit on lots of stuff. I hate being a quitter, but ey it is what it is. Why does my lazyness get to me so much? I'm really loosing it! And even now, as I'm writing, I should be doing my 5 page; front and back essay thats due tomorrow. Shhhhhhh....d. Where is the organized, fully-planned agenda-ready VIRGO at? Come back!

Pissed.

Goober told me something I'll never forget. Something true, most of the time, and something I already knew, but since she said it, now its even more clear to me. She told me that parents are only happy when ever you work for them. Or when ever you work. They are never satisfied if its completely done though. Why can't they appreciate what has been done. Even when MOST of it is done. I agree. They always put more criticism on you. More anger and pain on you. And I don't need any other people jumping into what has to do with me. I don't care if you're my brother. I'm sick of Bong Bong. He really needs to stfu. When my mom is procrastinating about me, don't jump in and add to my misery. Matter fact, get the f@#! OUT MY LIFE. You are one of the biggest negative influences in my life. F@#$ YOU. I hate myself already. Kill me if you think I'm a b!@#$ oranything else.

REHAB

Baby, Baby, When we first met,
I never felt somethin' so strong.
You were like my lover and my best friend.
All wrapped into one, with a ribbon on it.

And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to ya?
Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do ya?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back.
And you are the one to blame
And now I feel like - ooh!

You're the reason why I'm thinking,
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more.
I guess that's what i get for wishful thinking,
Should've never let you enter my door.
Next time you wanna go on and leave...
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed.....

It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease.


I gotta check into Rehab Baby.
Cause you're my disease.

I LOVE THIS SONG<3

Dear You.

Dear You. Yes YOU, reading this. I am sorry, deeply within my heart of mine, that I cannot and will never be able to bring some happiness your way. I'm sorry I am not right and unfit for any size and that my still face is mistaken for anger. For that my smile seems unreal and that no matter what I do it is not ever good enough or at least worth some effort of action. I am sorry that the things I do are misunderstood, and that who I am will never reach a level of common sense, affection, some act of right, and/or your level of normal. I am sorry that I, Victoria Lovely, am nothing more but a failed, disrespectful, embarrassing, rude, bitchy, pissy, attitudish, wrong, ugly, immature, stupid, selfish, sister, daughter, friend, cousin, stranger, associate, student, girl-like individual.

For that, I rid of my existence from your blissful eyes, ears, mouth, structure and, soul.
I can and will never be a good individual.

NOT EVER.

FANTASY

I'm gonna pretend that I'm standing on a bridge. This bridge is titanium GOLD. Holden Caulfield is with me - Dexter Luy, Mah Yay Phang Bun Hieng, Confucius, Albert Einstein, J.D. Salinger, Heathcliff Andrew Ledger, Bruce Lee, Princess Diana, Bob Marley, Tupac Shakur, John Lenon, Martin Luther King, Edgar Allen Poe, Ghandi, The Good, The Bad, The Pretty, The Ugly;

All are with me and with love, with our hearts; We are all together as ONE.
And we find Peace.

We find PEACE.

Mom

I'm always incomplete in everything I do now. What's there to live for now? I don't know what life is......Or most of all:
I don't know what a mom is.

Happy.

Now when I look back, it went from love to shame.
Shame to hurt.
Hurt to confusion.
There never was true happiness in my life.

Ever.

Suckah

My life is so boring. Haha. NO; it really is. Oh and I suck at it too. I'm just a.....SUCKAH. I want some awesome person to just pop into my life and take me beyond my limits. I don't want to live in fear anymore. I don't want to live while wondering about who is watching. I'm watching. That's all that should matter. But than I sound selfish. Huyyy, this is hard.

Today was my last day at the Nursery Clinical. It was the best time I ever had. People are amazing. I saw a baby boy named Stewart get cirumcised. It was painful to me, myself. I could feel it. There was a baby boy that was just brought into this world yesterday. October 23, 2008. I believe the name was BB Bethany West, or something like that. I do know that the last name is West though. That was my patient. She was amazing. People like that are people who save my life. It was nice. It was nice.

Yes, Nice it was.

OCT23O8

It is exactly two months passed my 17th birthday. Isn't it lovely? Hehe. Well, I think that's craaazy. School was poopy. I felt oh so ugly. And when I feel ugly, my whole day is ruined. After school was nice. Cleaned, ate, texted, drove, and cleaned again. I learned something about myself. I'm soo chinky. Like chinky as hellz. I cannot escape it. And oh! KOREAN GUYS ARE SEXY. THEY MAKE ME WANNA EAT ONE! GOSH NEVER KNEW THAT SEXYNESS EXISTED.

I want one.
Mmmmm` yummy as hell ;)

later<3

I'M UGLY.

I'm so cold. Inside and out. My feet feel numb. They didn't fall asleep, but they're so cold. Its more like when you run outside with socks on, in the snow, and walk around letting it steal your heat; Than you just sit on the porch, and your feet just feel like ice. My hands are cold too. And I'm hurt. Anyways, RANDOM: I don't know why I'm so insecure about myself. I really really, truly believe that I am ugly. And coming to think of it, why should that matter? And why do I care so much?! It really frustrates me. I'm so idiotic for thinking in such a way, and its funny I say that too, because still, I find myself stressing over it. But no, really, I AM SO UGLY! I feel like if no one can see that I'm pretty than they don't see me at all. When I'm in Cambodia, I'm considered the American Cambodian Girl. When I'm in America, I'm considered Oriental, Asian, Chinese, "Blackanese", Japanese, Korean. Never am I looked at as A PERSON. I hear people talking poop about different Asian people and they say how Chinese people are so ugly, and how the rest of us are too; That kills me. That's why I feel ugly. Because people talk poop like that, always saying Asians are ugly. So when people call me Chinese, I feel ugly, now knowing that from others' views; Chinese are ugly. Which in their case, they're referring to ALL Asians.

I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.

Thats what I hear in my head.
Thats what I say when I see myself.

Why does beauty matter so much to me?
I don't understand.

Maybe it's because I value love so much.
Love is beauty.

And I guess I'm realizing that I will never receive love because I am NOT A BEAUTY.

So many men in my life; ACTUALLY SCRATCH THAT.
So many BOYS in my life always turn me down, telling me I'm ugly; That I look Chinese.

Well, love me for me than.
Not my face.

Sollers/Bad Day/Good Day.

So, I woke up early today, than fell asleep, than woke up, than fell asleep, than woke up, fell asleep and than finally woke up at 6am. I got in the shower at probably 6:30. I missed the bus anyways. I got out at 6:52am. I woke up mommy. She didn't get in the shower until 7:10am. That made me late. Today at Sollers, we were going to start Clinicals for real this time. The bus leaves at 7:45am. I was already aggravated cause moms was taking her good time. We live almost 20 minutes away and we left at 7:30am. Likee damnnns mama, you trippinnn`!. Anyways, Cabbage Patch texted me, saying that she got my smock. When I got to the school everybody was on the bus. I ran in the locker room, dropped my stuff, and came out. Mrs. Loper stopped me arrogantly asking me where my smock was. I told her Kim had it. She didn't believe me. Whatta Butt. I ran on the bus even more frustrated and Kim didn't even have it! I had to run back in the building, get my smock, and than the locker wouldn't open! I was losin' it. Luckily on the fourth try, I got it. I ran back out, and than Albrecht tells me to get off the bus. Maryam's with me and Albrecht says that we can't go to Clinical's for the vending machine incident last Tuesday. She wrote us up with Office Referrals. I don't know why, but I lost it. Mare lost it too. I felt so guilty for Mare, but not my own, but also frustrated confused and unfairly treated. I don't know why, but I started ballin'. I cried like crazy. I screamed, and shouted and hit the door. I was mad.

Mare cried. I felt so bad. I wanted to stop her pain, but I was crying even more. I busted my butt tryna get there, and I awaited the Clinical's forever, and this is how I am treated.

When we got in the office, it wasn't too bad. It was nice. I told the truth and NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. Till than;

Let's put this in fate's hands, and allow honesty and rightousness to lead the way.

UNO.

I wanna believe that I'm a good person. I wanna believe that I am kind. But literally, I am not. I am really disturbed with myself. Habeeb called me weird when we were chatting. Coming to really, really think of that, I realize that I am weird. I am weird, and it sucks. It hurts even more to have someone say it to me though. I mean I've heard it thousands of times, but when he said it, I really felt it. Today was bad. Than it was good. Than it was weird. Now its sad.

I took the trash out. The moon looked lovely. The sky and the clouds. Something about that sky. I swear if only I could fly up there. If only imagination, along with reality, had no limits; In good I mean; Than I could really go there. Some type of Aladdin stunt. That would be amazing. I wish I could. Maybe after life. That's what I'll do.