Victoria Lovely Presents: My Eyes My Ears My Thoughts My Dreams My Fears My World MY WORDS

Paul Laurence Dunbar's poem "We Wear The Mask"

2011-11-01T08:18:00.000-07:00

Some imagery for this beautiful poem for many that do not know written by Deanna.

Clay is a natural product in nature that is earthy, moist material but when fired
or intensely heated it becomes hard. This a metaphor, comparing the African Americans to the clay substance as a warning that provoking or being fired, and enraged causes them to become hardened to the world, to become calloused and eventually turn on the world completely. Dunbar describes this process as "vile", showing that he understands the repercussions of the bigot's actions and that he disapproves. He also understands that it is a journey "along the mile" to the point of acceptance and forgiveness, the end of the struggle, and that it cannot just end with one poem."But let the world dream otherwise", unaware of the intensity of the battle and continuing to think that everything can be fixed. Paul Laurence Dunbar obvisiously feels that people are blind to the injustice of racial discrimination. The way he discusses the world in a cloudy, dream-like divide further stresses the idea of the mask, concealing the outside from the in. Paul Laurence Dunbar's "We Wear The Mask" is loaded with duplicity in that every statement, while having it's own meaning, can be interpreted to support his theme of masquerade. This theme or main idea is very important to the purpose of this poem because it illustrates his opinions of how the world reacts and copes with racism. He did this by beautifully writing each word to be weighted with sensual meaning and to have two faces, such that of his mysterious mask.

THANK ME LATER

2010-06-15T10:31:00.001-07:00

DRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKEDRAKE!
TODAY BABY TODAY!

Graduation

2010-06-11T21:11:00.000-07:00

Didn't turn out the way I had expected, but it did however, come. Nonetheless, it was enjoyable. Something/ some people hurt me, but I'll not think of that. Toast for the yesterdays and I'll HOPE for a bright tomorrow.

2010-05-29T22:47:00.001-07:00

Be fair. If not then don't fuck with me.

2010-05-14T22:11:00.001-07:00

Prom :)

2010-05-10T17:36:00.000-07:00

Why doesn't anyone want me to be happy? I just go to prom with a friend and everything gets blown out of proportion with lies and misunderstandings. It's just a fucking joy for people to bring me down. Even my own brother. This life, is not for me.

LIES.

2010-05-07T09:59:00.000-07:00

I'm really fucking pissed right now. People need to shut the fuck up, seriously. They don't know me man! And when they try to get to know me, they don't like what they see so they sit there and gossip to each other about everything. Shit that is not even true. And I hate how I am crying over this bullshit rumour. It hurts me because I think it's fine for us to be friends and how he still talks to me like a good friend but then he fucking tells people some shit that is not even true. That's what is painful. How could someone be so nice to your face and then a fucking two-faced bastard the next. I hate how I don't know who the fuck my real friends are. I hate how this crowd I got into is tearing my life apart. If it wasn't for my family I would suicide. I never have ever been in any type of drama or rumour shit like this ever. People need to one, get their facts straight because I DO NOT ROLL LIKE THAT. And two, they need to keep my name out of their fucking mouth.

2010-05-04T05:29:00.000-07:00

No school for me today; Going to New Jersey! Getting my prom dress, finally :)

2010-05-03T11:14:00.001-07:00

The only time a man is right is when he admits he's wrong.

2010-05-02T07:14:00.001-07:00

You know you love someone when you want them to be happy even if their happiness means that you’re not part of it.

2010-04-30T21:52:00.001-07:00

I'm so sleepy, but I can't sleep. And I'm so thirsty and hungry, but nothing to eat. I have work all weekend, morning - closing. Life is very stressful. But I love it.

2010-04-30T21:11:00.001-07:00

Fate brings people together, but its still up to you to make it happen.

This song saves me everytime.

2010-04-30T18:03:00.000-07:00

Today was an adventure...

2010-04-30T17:32:00.000-07:00

Well, for the first time in my busy life, I finally have off on a FRIDAY! Hehe :) I just spent my time with three out four of my favorite boys. It's funny because ALL of these pictures were taken today, because I couldn't decide just what to wear to go out...eventually I found a comfy fit for a beautiful day. It looks like these were all taken on different days and I kind of look different in all of them, but I swear it's me just playing dress up until I was finally satisfied. I'll put them in order.

These were taken right after I walked all the way home.

I wanted to wear something lose, but eh...

My two favorite boys :) <3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_UC7R5Ttdos4/S9t6k-CNmSI/AAAAAAAAAEk/77HKgWayQA4/s1600/CIMG1607.JPG">
Living Room.

This was comfy :)

Driving around the city <3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_UC7R5Ttdos4/S9t7HeGghnI/AAAAAAAAAFE/h3KKcAMNiAc/s1600/CIMG1613.JPG">
Cheeeeese :D

Bright sun.

One of my favorite boys :) My big brother Bong Bong <3

2010-04-30T10:43:00.001-07:00

I just walked all the way home. So nice outside, but sweating my bootie off :/ Very long walk. I saw a dead animal in the road :( I was so close to it, and I didn't want to look at it because I was scared. I wish I wasn't scared but I want him to rest in peace. I might get my dress today. I'm so excited. Oh and, I hate when boys try to holler while I'm trying to walk home. Do I look like a piece of meat? I don't tink so.

I love Justin Beiber

2010-04-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

Ah, butt you're so right. This song is better. I have it on repeat :) It's addicting.

What a bad day today.

2010-04-29T21:30:00.002-07:00

Well, I woke up late, felt like poop and was freezing my tooshie off in school. Then I got home, Hankie took me to Taco Bell to eat and then I went to sleep afterwards. I took a shower and tried my new toothpaste :) I was so excited. Heheehehehehe. Then I went to college and Mr. Schwartz yelled @ me for talking. I was discussing the next speech with Emily and I wasn't the only one talking. I always feel targeted. Or maybe I'm too sensitive. But I'm being honest. And that's all I can be. I don't think I was doing anything wrong. I swear he hates me. Oh and Daniel. Smh. What a jerk. It's what ever. I'll get over it. Boys come and go. I need some sleep in my life. I really do. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Goodnight, me love you.

2010-04-29T21:30:00.001-07:00

I’m teaching myself to believe in the things I don’t understand, I don’t even know if they’re true…but that’s what dreamers do.

2010-04-29T21:25:00.001-07:00

But if you want to leave, you can. I’ll remember you though. I remember everyone that leaves.

My Sonnet

2010-03-13T21:36:00.000-08:00

Your eyes glare back at me in the darkness
You say that you want this to last always
Memories illuminate the forest
Alone walking down these empty hallways

You can pretend nothing has happened
A broken friendship, our silent goodbyes
Shout the criticism that never ends
Say what you want; real eyes realize real lies

Changes come and you've given up on me
With nothing left to give, what can I prove
I'll never be who you want me to be
No smiles, no trust, but you say there's truth

Before the replacements and pain, just know
Without acceptance, friends will come and go.

THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:

2010-03-11T18:30:00.000-08:00

- Become a traveling Doctor
- Visit Africa
- Meet Aubrey DRAKE Graham, aka Drizzy Drake Rogers
- Meet Eminem
- Meet Lil` Wayne
- Meet Kid Cudi
- Visit Michel Joseph Jackson's grave
- Go to Boot Camp for a week
- Be a substitute for a day
- Climb Mount Everest....and survive; HAHA
- Visit the moon
- Plant 100 trees
- Visit every single state in the U.S.A.
- Travel to almost every country in the world for at least a day per country. (Not Impossible, but a challenge..I like challenges ;)
- Visit Heath Andrew Ledger's grave
- Live in Toyko, Paris, Dubai, Singapore for at least a year
- Download ALLLLLL of my favorite songs or just beautiful melodies I EVER heard in my life from birth to death onto an MP3!
- Meet Kim Kardashian
- Be in a music video
- Own a Nissan Skyline GTR R34
- Own a Chevy Camaro
- Own a Shelby GT500
- Learn to Tango
- Join a Hip Hop Dance Crew
- Sing out loud in front of a HUGE AUDIENCE even though I suck, not caring what anyone thinks :D
- Win a _____ eating contest; Haha fill in the blank! It could be anything! (:
- Move to a random place where no one knows me and speak with a British accent for a week and have people think it's my real accent
- Learn to Horseback ride
- Donate an organ
- Donate blood
- Join the Peace Corps.
- Dye my hair Blonde
- Be a Police Officer
- Be a Kick A** Bus Driver (for a day)
- Take a gymnastics class
- Learn how to swim like Michael Phelps
- Meet Barack Obama, his wife, and kids!
- Have a nice dream, come to reality
- Visit Bob Marley's grave
- Visit Tupac's grave
- Visit Eazy E's grave
- Visit J.D. Salinger's grave
- Adopt a baby
- Marry the man that I actually love
- Prove all of the people who doubted me, f*cked me over, dropped me, & left me; WRONG! <3
- Train a puppy to be the a SMART DOG
- Buy my parents a huge house, beautiful cars and give all the people I promised each a million dollars
- Have a REAL Farmville
- Paint a masterpiece
- Graduate from college with a Doctoral Degree
- Have a pet Koala Bear
- Have a pet Panda Bear
- Visit Auschwitz, Germany and pray my blessings to the silent deaths of the Holocaust
- Visit Mecca and make a wish...or maybe wishes :D
- Get a Perm, ahahaha.
- Adopt a child.
- Be an extra in a movie.
- Work in a MAC store.
- Build a computer from scratch.
- Own a restaurant.
- Play a mean girl in a movie.
- Write a novel.
- Make my own perfume.
- Sky dive
- Go on a cruise
- Donate to charity.
- Write an article for a magazine.
- Go in the Eiffel Tower.
- Design a house.
- Write a song.
- Be in a commercial.
- Visit the Playboy Mansion.
- Work in Forever 21.
- Own a clothing line.
- Live in New York.
- Design a shoe.
- Teach a college class.
- Meet the president.
- Back hand slap Chris Brown.
- Own a salon.
- Be on a cover of a magazine.
- Win the lotto.
- Model for Victoria’s Secret.
- Pet a lion.
- Go on a reality show.
- Sing the National Anthem in a super bowl.
- Write an article in a newspaper.
- Go on the moon.
- Be a nurse.
- Have braces again.
- Khloe Kardashian.
- Deliver a baby.
- Fire a gun.
- Perform surgery on someone.
- Coach a basketball team.
- Build a house.
- Raise a child.
- Milk a cow.
- Burn a one hundred dollar bill.
- Change someone’s life.
- Go to jail for a day.
- Save a life.
-Live in a mansion.
- Visit a real haunted house.
- Play a vampire in a movie.
- Have a family of my own.
- Host a show.
- Witness a murder.
- Be a lawyer.
- Be a DJ.
- Waterski.
- Run a marathon.
- Perform in a play.
- Learn to play a guitar.
- Be in a photoshoot.
- Be a blackjack dealer.
- Rob a bank.
- Enter in a pie eating contest.
- Take a kickboxing class.
- Be a choreographer.
- Go hunting.
- Be in a horror film.
- Be a principal.
- Be a dean of a school.
- Be in a car race.
- Be a therapist.
- Be a judge in a talent show.
- Design a computer game.
- Create a website.
- Learn to play the piano.
- Go camping.
- Go in a hot air balloon.
- Fly a plane.
- Go surfing.
- Be a pediatrician.
- Get a tattoo.
- Drive a limo.
- Go to college.
- Make a movie.
- Graduate high school.
- Go back in time.
- Fly.
- Learn to play poker.
- Play strip poker.
- Meet Lady Gaga.
- Be a dermatologist.
- Learn to speak fluent Spanish.
- Go to Hawaii.
- Visit Italy.
- Climb a tree.
-Visit the White House.
-Learn to speak French.
- Find a cure to a disease.
- Visit Japan.
- Go a concert.
- Meet a celebrity.
- Have a self portrait.
- Meet James Franco.
- Write a play.
- Play golf.
- Go to the Bahamas.
- Give $100 to a homeless person.
- Shelter a homeless animal.
- Run a foster care.
- Get famous on youtube.
- See an eclipse.
- Learn to play a violin.
- Build a tree house.
-Have a street named after me.
- Be a massage therapist.
- Egg a house.
- Hot wire a car.
- Tee-pee a house.
- Rock climb.
- Bungee jump.
- Go clubbing.
- Gamble.
- Speak Latin fluently.
- Learn to belly dance.
- Become a scientist.
- Learn to rap.
- Be spokesperson.
- Be on a talk show.
- Be a paparazzi.
- Meet Tyra Banks.
- Be a guy for a day.

2009-10-12T18:20:00.000-07:00

FUCK LOVE.
FUCK YOU.
FUCK PEOPLE WHO LEAD GIRLS ON.!

It Really

2009-08-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

hurts to know that whenever I'm crying, or when ever I'm on thin ice, losing myself completely, I have NO ONE to turn to. Because I can't speak to the people who need to hear me. And those who can hear me, don't understand. It hurts to know that now, as I cry, the only person that can hear me is myself. And the only person that can help me is myself. But I can't do that on my own.

The Best.

2009-07-29T15:18:00.000-07:00

Once you get what you want,
You've got something to lose

There are two kinds of secrets.
Those we keep from others...
And those we hide from ourselves.

Don't just look, observe..
Don't just swallow, taste..
Don't just sleep, dream..
Don't just think, feel...

If someone has something bad to say about you, it's probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.
Don't just exist, live...

Everything you want comes after you stop looking for it...

When you love someone, they never get lost; wherever they go, they are still somewhere in your heart and as long as they know that, they will always know that when they find you, they find themselves once again.

Most people run because deep down, they want to be chased.

Behind the smile, behind the courage, behind the laughter, lies the hurt, the pain, the sorrow. Behind the mask, lies me. The me you never took the time to get to know.

whoever said "what you don't know, can't hurt you." was a moron.

because from what
i've been through,
not knowing, is the worst
feeling in the world.

It's just one of those days where you lock yourself in your room, crank the depressing music, curl up on your bed, and cry for no reason at all.

there are so many people out there who will tell you that you can't. what you've got to do is turn around and say "watch me"

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did.

The day you learn how not to cry is the day you learn to hate.

in life, you don't get the people you want.
you get the people you need.
to teach you, to hurt you, to love you, to make you laugh.
to make you exactly the person you should be.

"When ever I have a Problem, I just sing. Then I know my voice is a lot worse then my Problem."

There's always gonna be that one thing
you hate but you can't change. That one
mistake you can't take back. &That one
memory you would do anything to have again.

There's going to be moments in life where you are going to want to turn back - that's when you have to go on.

Tragedy happens
What are you gonna do?
give up?
quit?
no..
I realize now that when your heart gets broken you gotta fight like hell and make sure your still alive
Cause you ARE and that pain you feel, thats life
The confusion and fear?
That's there to remind you that somewhere out there,
There's something BETTER & that something is worth fighting for

Don't tell me not to cry. Not this time, don't tell me to stop my tears, just let me get them out. And if that means crying till I'm sick and gasping and surrounded with a mountain of tissues, so be it. You might not realize it, but maybe that's what I need right now. Not to have my tears stopped, but to be given the freedom to finally let them out.

Sometimes we expect more from others, cause we would be willing to do that much for them.

Why do we always IGNORE those that ADORE us, ADORE those that IGNORE us. LOVE those that HURT us and HURT those that LOVE us??

We hide to be found... We walk away to see who will follow... We cry to see who will wipe away our tears... We let our hearts get broken to see who will fix them up again.

I think I'm afraid to be happy because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens.

If you're thinking about giving up, don't because...
God gave you your life because he knows that you are the only one strong enough to handle it.

i'm gonna smile like i don't know the truth.

The truth is hard to swallow when you're choking on your pride...

at some point we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop trying to figure out precisley what we feel, stop deciding with our mind what we want our heart to feel, && just rely on: whatever happens, happens.

I stopped throwing coins into the fountain a long time ago. I don't cross my fingers anymore or make a wish when I blow out my birthday candles. I guess it's because the normal side of me finally realized that no matter what dumb things I do, the things I wish for won't happen.

My teacher went around the classroom and asked each student what they wanted to be when they grew up. When she got to me, I told her I wanted to be happy. She told me I was missing the whole point of the question. I told her she was missing the whole point of life.

You gotta hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain, because most of lifes lessons are learned because of pain.

"My plan is to forgive and forget: forgive myself for being stupid, and forget you ever existed."

IT BREAKS YOUR HEART;
when people you know, became people you knew.when you can walk right past them as if they were never a huge part of your life. you used to be able to talk for hours, and now you cant even look at them in the damn eye. it completely breaks your heart to know that things change, and theres nothing you can do about it.

Anything worth the tears is worth fighting for.

2009-07-29T15:16:00.001-07:00

In your life you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again, but you do...

I Just Wanted To Say:

2009-07-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

Nobody said that things like this would be easy. If you want the easy way out, than be my guest. But it takes Pain to Conquer the Game of Life. You have to fight for the things that you want. You're going to hurt people no matter what. But everybody learns to Let Go. But I'm not taking the easy way out. I'm not going to slip that easily. Think about everything you have been through, before you just simply, throw it all away. The easy way out, is the COWARDS way out. But I'm not fearful of being a Coward, I only have a fear of losing everything I had ever dreamed of, everything I worked for, everything I made up to, all the way til' now, just to lose it. That's all I gotta say. I don't like the hard way out, but that doesn't mean I'm taking the easy way out.

This Song is SICK.

2009-07-29T14:23:00.000-07:00

These all Represent What I'd Like to Say:

2009-07-29T13:29:00.000-07:00

The lyrics of the song are what mean the most.

Micheal Vick Reinstated

2009-07-28T10:17:00.000-07:00

Michael Vick just got Reinstated into the NFL! I'm so happy for him. A time like this gives my life hope through all I've been. He's been through worse, and in the end, something amazing happens. I love Michael Vick.

Hey You

2009-07-27T09:08:00.002-07:00

I just wanna know:

2009-07-27T08:49:00.000-07:00

WHERE IS THE LOVE?

2009-07-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

I'm really exhausted. I feel like a workaholic. I need a day off. And I'm happy to get it soon. But only two days. Than it's back to work from MORNING TO CLOSING. Repeatedly. This is really bad. I can't wait to quit and find a job that is appealing to me, and that doesn't deal with such ignorant people. Right now though, my mom really needs the dough, so I'm going to have to hold on for a while and keep that cash flow going. I'm really tired though. My head aches and my legs too. But No pain, No gain.

Anyways, just when I thought I was over my first love, I realized now, that I'm not. I really have so much to say to him; things that I just want to scream and yell at him for, but what for? But it's burning in my heart to be taken out. I want it out of my system. But I don't want to hurt anybody. This whole situation, I got my hopes up, and only burned myself. I knew this was coming, but why didn't I prevent it? I'm starting to hate him. I see his face and I just fucking hate him. Its to the point where I've only built hatred towards this being. It's the wrong thing to do, especially towards someone I loved entirely with my heart, but I don't want to, but I'm starting to. I realized that I wasn't getting over him. The feeling I was receiving was the strength of hatred towards him. But I don't hate him. I just.. I don't know. But I need to tell him so much, even if he doesn't want to hear it, or listen. But I really need this out of me. I think the best thing to do is stay away from him. Just stay away. Cause if I get any closer, I'm 100% more than likely, to get burned again.

2009-07-24T22:53:00.000-07:00

I'm really proud of myself. Man. I thought that I'd never ever get over my first love, but I'm starting to. I'm not completely over him, but I finally feel some weight off my shoulders. That fear of losing him, it happened, and that is what traumatized me the most. It was like I was going through Rehab, but now I'm better. And he didn't love me, so why am I so sad for? I don't care at all. I'm proud that I was able to truly love another human being. Whether he didn't or whatever, I am proud of myself, for having that much heart. Now, my eyes are looking brighter, and now that I realize it, he isn't worth my depression. He isn't worth killing myself. Because if he was, he still would be with me. He would've stuck by me. But I forgive him. It's okay. I'm just proud of myself. I'm not completely gone, there's still hurt there. Still love there, but I'm looking beyond that. It's all about Me, Myself, and I.

2009-07-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

It's okay to lose your pride over someone you love, but
don't lose someone you love over your pride.

The Best.

2009-07-22T21:22:00.000-07:00

My Epiphany.

2009-07-22T07:57:00.001-07:00

I'm lost right now. And I deserve all of what I'm going through. I'm looking for trust. And there is not a soul that I see it from. But don't worry. Because I don't even trust myself. In order to trust another I must first, trust myself. I'm still learning how to do that. What happens today, will change tomorrow. What happened yesterday is just a blur. I once was only a lover. But now I have broken into a lover and a fighter. I'm not great, but I will be when given the chance. I'm scared of a lot. I've been taken over by fear. But I still have a warm heart. I am no longer bitter, because I chose what followed my past. I live to bring Peace, when in my heart, I am going through hell. But I'm going to fight for a better world even if it kills me. I am sorry to everyone I have hurt. This time, I promise, I'll leave you alone. Goodbye.

2009-07-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

Its about time I grow up. Seriously. Living off some fucked fantasy that I was fighting for, for no reason. I made a fool of myself, and wasted my life for months. I'm not proud of pointing out mistakes, but you know what. This one was a mistake. And I'm proud to point it out. I'm proud to face this, and in the end, I'm going to fight through what ever so this shit doesn't break me. I see this kid's face everywhere. Everything I touch, I feel his presence. I will always remember him. Always will. And all the shit he said to me, did to me, I'll forgive him. And I will forget it all. I'm not going to hold onto it. You know; that phrase, "I forgive, but never forget". Nah. Not me. I'm going to forgive and I'm going to forget. I'm going to forget ABOUT HIM.

Right now it's going to be really hard for me. I'm in some sort of Rehab from this kid. But I found a reason to live for. And that is for my best friend and my family. Not myself. But for the people I care for the most.

2009-07-20T10:44:00.001-07:00

2009-07-20T10:39:00.001-07:00

God show me a way because the Devil's tryna break me down.

Babie

2009-06-18T13:17:00.000-07:00

love you.

I just miss you. Even if it's wrong to.

2009-06-15T16:42:00.000-07:00

My All - Mariah Carey

Dedicated to: Hardeep Singh Aujla.

I love you. I know you don't love me anymore. But, I'd give my all.

Gone.

2009-06-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

Dear You, whoever you are. Maybe no one will ever read this and maybe no one will ever care; i mean, I am just a teen, not old enough to know better, yet young enough to not know at all, please hear my cry, hear my heartbreak, hear my death-of myself-my life, and my heart.

I don't know what Love is. Maybe its just an idea, make belief in the human minds, but from late August of 2008, until May 31, 2009, I fell in love.

I fell in love with a boy who was nothing more but an innocent soul, a precious being to his family, and little did he know, the love of my life.

I, I am the Devil.

Our love was beyond beautiful. I never met any man who ever made me feel so complete like this divine soul.

Both of us clean, clean backgrounds, innocent like a baby, and growing as any soul.

This love we had was so perfect, so wonderful, and my selfishness, my immaturity, my games and teasing demolished it all.

My jealousy had killed everything, to the point where love was gone, and all that was left between us two, was a fight.

ALL BECAUSE OF ME.

Last night,
I cried, I cut, I bled, and I bruised, for the love of my life, no longer loves me.
I did the most desperate apology any person could ever give,
and all I got in return was nothing.

We're done.
We're done.

For real.

My love.
My life.

I love you.

But you're gone.

Change

2009-04-06T20:20:00.000-07:00

Things have a beautiful way of flowing in this world of life. I and others as well, hope for a fairytale, dream for love, and give up. I didn't, never ever will, and will always keep it strong. But I fell in love. I fell in love for the first time, but its a love that has changed me. Not for the better, but for the WORST. Is this the change that I should be receiving? The change that'll bring me closer to who I am and should be? When truth is, I feel like I have completely lost myself. I'm so confused. Change is what I always wanted. But maybe, I don't want it any more.

It's been awhile..

2009-03-07T06:47:00.000-08:00

So many things have been happening and I should have updated, but lately words have no meaning to me. It's more of you had to be there, and feel the action kind of thing, rather than words. Anyways I'm at CCBC Essex waiting for my friend Mare, to get here so her and I can attend the college fair in building B.

Farewell - xo

<3 style="font-weight: bold;">V/xoxo

Farewell to A Teacher Who Was Once An Enemy:

2009-01-22T19:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Hauswald,

With all my respect Sir, please hear my words. I'm not sure why you are leaving, but if anything, I know that we both know that we feel some kind of a disliking of one another. If you don't, I want to be truthful and admit that I feel that on certain occassions. But now Sir, I want you to know that, I did not write this because I feel pity, or that I am sucking up, but I wrote this as a Person to speak all my thoughts I have promised myself to once tell you. I don't hate you Sir. I never did. I never will. I didn't NOT like you Sir, but I always felt singled out at times. I like you Sir. I respect you Sir and I always will. I want to say Thank You Sir. Thank You for everything you have taught me, everything you know, and Thank You for your kindness; Because overall, I have to admit, you are one kind man. And I mean it all the way to the moon and back, 1 million times. You are amazing and your path that you chose, or what ever kind of wind that turned your way, I wish you the best Sir. I wish that you make it to the top and share your Kindness with the world. These 5 1/2 months that you were here, were phenomenal. You are a blessing to all people around. You have the gift to influence the minds of the future. You went out here and did something that billions of people could NEVER do. You are gifted, and I respect that. Your future deserves better. You deserve to do better, and Be Better. There is nothing wrong with that. And Sir, IN LIFE, if you're ever upset, just hold tight. Squeeze out the weakness and accept that what has happened, is done and over with. Accept that what was done, was done for a reason; A reason of greater and infinite vigorous things. Don't cry, or Fear. Because all that is done against you, towards you, about you, of you, TO you, will strengthen who you are and who you will be. Don't be ashamed for certain actions, because you do the best you can. Do not question why things happene, or even why things happen to you directy. Do not dwell on your mistakes. Think of them. Learn from them, and MOVE ON. Things are done and over with. They all have a reasoning. Do not fret over the reasoning, just take what you have, understand the situation, and take your next step to SUCCESS. He who dwells on his past for too long, becomes his past. Be STR0NG. Victoria Lovely (Lovely) thanks you, admires you, and RESPECTS YOU. And So Does EVERYONE ELSE AROUND YOU. And PLEASE, don't reply. Just Be Happy and accept my words. Everything Will Fall Together, and you will be fine. I thank you again Sir. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You! May your life be full of happiness, strength, love, success, luck, and all of the good blessings of humanity.

Take Care,

Your Student,
Victoria Lovely

I Could Die Right Now For All I Care..

2009-01-22T19:13:00.000-08:00

I don't know if my life is real anymore. I mean straight up, I've just hit REAL-ALITY. I don't want to believe certain things, but what I fear nearly almost THE most, has happened. Why can't I live my life as I choose to. Why? I just want to die, because this hurts SO much. And everybody's watching me. I have to watch what I do. Watch what I say. Watch how I act, and basically live as I choose NOT to. All for my parents. Because if I don't, I get beat. I get called the lowest of all names. And most of all, I become a Disgrace. I always thought that it didn't matter. I was up to be a disgrace as long as I'm happy, living as I choose. But no matter what, something pulls me back, or holds me down from my happiness. I thought that no matter what the situation, I could do it. But I realized, I can't. No I can't. And what I dream of.....it will never...nope....it'll Never happen.

Welcome to My Heartbreak.

2009-01-18T09:42:00.001-08:00

If you love somebody, you give them care. You give them a commitment through your eyes, through your words, through your voice, through your heart, through your touch, and through your Hands. You give them love and you build their emotions up. They return the favor, and together, you become One. I say I love you. You say you love me. But I ask if we're together, and you say NO.

Welcome to my heartbreak. Am I blind? Am I a mess? Who are you?

I don't know you anymore.

Sweetest Savior Soulmate

2009-01-08T22:44:00.000-08:00

Hey. How are ya`? I feel this wall. We were mad. I was mad. I was childish. I was wrong. I AM SORRY. And I miss you. I miss you. I Miss You.

Sweetheart, I Miss You. <3

Good Night.

Some People

2009-01-08T13:38:00.000-08:00

surely are arrogant as hell. I finally got a new phone and I am very happy. Although I am still sick, I try hard to still hold onto my friendships through texting. Even when they all know, I HATE TEXTING. I do it for them.

Anyways, I don't swallow solid foods very well with my condition, so I was just eating some soybean tofu soupy stuff. While masticating, I get a text from this boy Charles. I call him Brockli, simply because he has this fro' and he looks like a Brockli! =D Hehe, just a Victoria Lovely signature of giving silly nicknames.

Moving on, it went a little something like this:

BROCKLI: What u doing today?!
VICTORIA LOVELY: "Nothing, I'm still sick :("
BROCKLI: "UR ALWAYS SICK!"
VICTORIA LOVELY: "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
BROCKLI: " UM! U A"
VICTORIA LOVELY: "Well thanks. For showing me what an inconsiderate, rude, and immature person yew are. Peace."

On New Year's Eve, I had told him I was sick, and he never texted back.
He never texted back since than, until THIS encounter.

Now, Tell me why, I'm just curious.. why are people like this?
I really don't need people ON me, kissing my feet and loving me 24/7,
but at least show some courtesy and generosity to understand that ME BEING SICK
IS NOT MY FAULT!!! NO!!! REALLYYYY IT ISN'T!

Ugh! What a FRIEND!

My Theory On Kissing

2009-01-07T21:19:00.000-08:00

I am as innocent as innocent gets, So Judgments - Fall Back.
A little something I recently told someone, when he mentioned about receiving a Kiss from Me.

"You must let kisses fly. Like a Bird. Let it flow - gently, naturally, like when a bird first flies; it's not gonna be easy to get, but be patient, You'll get it."

Cher mon amour

2009-01-07T21:16:00.000-08:00

Now I'm selfish
And maybe, its okay
Because having you in my life, Clown,
Brightens my each and everyday.
Like the sun's warmth wrapped around one's skin,
Me on you is a deadly sin.

Come over here,
Nothing's right without you.
All around is dark and I'm feeling blue.
Even in the daylight, I can't see the sky
Hardeep Singh Aujla
You damn clown, without you, I'd Die.

The One Above

2009-01-07T16:02:00.000-08:00

Well. There's something strange about the way He puts his magic to work. With the reasoning and everything, I trust Him, because it's my life, and everything He has already done, has made me everything I am. Currently, I have blisters, warts, canker sores ; filled with pus, and agonizing pain, swimming through every corner and anatomy of my mouth, leading out to my bottom lip, and its zoo of infectious warts. Its hard to smile, hard to drink, and nearly impossible to eat, with this burning pain with every sway of wind passing its way. I'm sick. Yes I know that. I am. And I missed three days of school, soon to be five, and soon to be three days of my Nursing Internship. I pray to Him, that he will allow these somewhat Racist administrators of mine, to excuse me through compassion and understanding. If anything, whether it being my attitude, the shape of my eyes, the color of my skin, my lack of intelligence, my sarcastic kindness, or my wrong vibe I some what bring them, please have them - Let them, have the fathom, and understanding, and sympathy or even empathy, to put aside their immoral morals and excuse me for a sickness I have little authority over. It's a new year, new resolutions, new president (OBAMA BABY!), new world, new day, new time, new second, new hour, new minute. Grow up. Learn. Through compassion and through unity. I may not be Caucasian, but I am Human. Please let the One Above paint my path through blessings, happiness, love, kindness, and lead me to Success. As I wish for all others to receive as well.

Peace.

Happy New Year's Day

2009-01-01T13:06:00.000-08:00

I've been sick for three days now. I feel like crap. Nobody knows. Its so weird. I talk fine, look fine, but inside I'm dying. I don't know whats wrong. Pray for me, please. Please, Pray for me.

I'm In Love.

2008-12-28T20:29:00.000-08:00

OH MYYY BUDDHAAAAA! THIS BOY IS SOOOOOOOO CUTE! AND HE CAN SING! AND ITS GEORGE NOZUKA'S SONG! AND HE SAYS MY NAME! OH MY BUDDHA!!!!!!!!!!!! (P.S. - HE'S ASIAN!!!!)

George Nozuka

2008-12-28T19:59:00.000-08:00

I la la la la LOVE him. He's super Sexy. And these songs of his, his voice, his words, make me melt inside ;)

But for 'TALK TO ME' , you gotta turn up the volume just a little bit more, to get that OOMPH! that melts you :P

Talk to me - George Nozuka

Unfaithful

2008-12-28T13:42:00.000-08:00

I am strongly ashamed and disgusted of myself, thus far. How can I do such a cruel thing? What is going through my head? I promise not to contradict myself and yet I am guilty of my actions. But what ever. I'm gonna let my life flow, as the path must go.

I Just Want To Be A Real Girl.

2008-12-25T21:13:00.001-08:00

Its like I'm looking for something out there and I'm trying to find something.
But I look in the mirror and see me, and see nothing.
Merry Belated Christmas.

Pinocchio Story

2008-12-24T09:44:00.000-08:00

This song. Something about this song. Really hits me. I love it. Kanye Baby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

And...

2008-12-24T09:30:00.000-08:00

its already the EVE of CHRISTMAS. Tomorrow is Christmas. Lately, things couldn't have been more lovely. My friends are soooo... I LOVE THEM! I can't really express it. I'm so happy. My environment is trash, and this has got to be the coldest Winter ever, my fingers are numb, half the time I'm freezing to death, but having the people in my life, melts away the cold. I feel horrible. I am a horrible daughter though. I'm a suck ass cousin. I'm just bad. I'm dirty. Wrong. Half these people who love me, are wrong. They shouldn't. I'M A GRINCH. But I'm still contemplating. I'm still confused. I can't find the answer. I CAN'T. So let me know, you know? Why. Just tell me WHY.

Mi Amor.

2008-12-18T12:43:00.000-08:00

I love somebody. At least I think I do. Its childish. But I mean, I love someone. Not crazy head over heels, but there's definitely a rush of warmth when we meet. I care so much. All I want to do is hold you. Be with you. Love you forever. You are so special to me. I love you so much. Its not your looks. Its not your money. Its you. And I want you. All of you, to me.

And now at this moment, I have tears. They're rolling and falling.

Falling as I fell for you.

But I, I'm sorry.
I love you so much.
But its not gonna work.
There are so many holding me back.

I can't do this anymore.
I don't want to hurt anyone.

You Are Great

2008-12-16T17:55:00.000-08:00

Its really crazy how things fall together and how they just happen. I'm so lucky. I really am. I'm not going to say everything, but I will say enough. I realized that in order to get something, you have to go out and get it yourself. You have to do things crazy in order to get what you want. Not always, but occasionally.

I've been waiting for today for the longest time. It felt like months since I've waited, and now, its over. I was so anxious to get out of school today just to do what I had planned. Now I am not one to make plans, and for once, when I DID make a plan, it worked out so beautifully. I'm so happy. I had so much fun. With someone very amazing. Although I felt horribly ugly and much worse, I hope that he/she enjoyed their time with me, as I did for them. I love that person. They're awesome! :)

But I feel guilty.
So guilty.

me.

2008-12-01T19:37:00.000-08:00

i'm mean.
i'm stupid.
i'm ugly.
i'm bad.
i'm a horrible daughter.

My Dedication Pt. 2

2008-11-30T13:24:00.000-08:00

Well. I learned to accept my ways. My stupid stupid ways. And you know what? I just realized, that I am happy for you. I truly am. I am happy that you're happy. And even if I have to be replaced, forgotten, or looked upon even a little differently, as long as you, My Best Friend, is or are, whatever, as long as you're happy, None of my problems should matter. You're happy, so I am happy. Its all I want for you. And my wish has came true. My Best Friend is Happy. Hooray!

Spill' it. - My Dedication.

2008-11-30T13:09:00.000-08:00

Okay. Lets get down to it. I admit it. I am selfish. I am selfish and I want you all to myself. No Homo or anything. Its just that I don't have anybody else, and you've always been there for me since part 1. It hurts to know that you must admit that you've hadn't had this much fun in a long time. It hurts to hear you say that because I'm with you nearly all the time. And it is NOW that you feel happy. So that means whenever you are with me, I'm just another day, another that, another this and I am just there. Maybe its just me, but when I'm with you, I am so happy. I am so happy because I'm with my Best Friend. And I am so happy because I love her. She is my sister. My guardian. And my freakin' homie. But she goes out with others for a nice time, and her whole life has brightened up. But when with me, now I know the truth. Now I know that I was right. I always felt like I wasn't good enough. I always knew that. But you'd tell me otherwise. But in my heart I could feel, that no, this cannot be true. I just knew it. But I brushed it off because I trusted you. I took your word. I just played along, hoping that just for once, this was an achieved acceptance and a dream. Not a nightmare like everything else. And now I know. Now I know, that I, I seriously can't do anything right. Now I knew it. I felt it. I feel it. I proved myself right again, that I can't be understood ever. And that ME being around doesn't make a difference. I know now that I can't make anyone happy anymore. And you know what? I am hurt. I am sad. I am Mad. Because I, I love too much. I trust too easily, I get my hopes too high. And its just me. I'm my own problem. I give in and care too much. When the people I love the most, can't feel anything when I'm there.

I LOVE THESE PEOPLE. MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE I CARE FOR RIGHT NOW.

2008-11-29T16:11:00.000-08:00

I LOVE MY GOOBER! SHE IS MY EFFIN SISTER! SO DAMN AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL! I LOVE HER! GOOB GOOB. WORDS CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN. AMAN YOU'RE SO GORGEOUS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I WISH I WAS BEAUTIFUL LIKE YOU. YOU'RE PERFECT. AND THE GREATEST FRIEND I EVER HAD.

MARYAM; MY MARE BEAR! SHE IS SOOO SWEET AND PURE AND GORGEOUS KIM KARDASHIAN! I LOVE HER BFF! YOU'RE SOO PRETTY. YOU DON'T THINK YOU ARE BUT GIRL YOU ARE A SHOW STOPPER! ANY GUY THAT GETS YOU IS LUCKY. YOU'RE WONDERFUL GIRL. AND MY BEST FRIEND. REMEMBER WHEN WE GRADUATE TOKYO GIRL! HAHA

AHECONTORUH! MY BIG BROTHER AND MY BEST FRIEND! I LOVE HIM. IF IT WASN'T FOR HIM IN THE FAM. I'D BE DEAD.

KANFREAKDA; STILL MY BBY COUSIN. THINGS CHANGE. PEOPLE HAVE MISJUDGED YOU, BUT I STILL AND ALWAYS WILL ACCEPT AND LOVE YOU.

I MISS MY BESTIE! VIC; I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU KNOW OR THINK. HAVEN'T SPOKE TO YOU IN AGES. I KNOW I'VE BEEN REPLACED, BUT I LOVE YOU. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. I MISS YOU SO MUCH GIRL. SO MUCH, ITS HARD TO BREATHE.

MY BEAUTIFUL PARWINDY WIT HER BIGG@$$ ; SEXY GIRL! LOVEE HER!
SHE IS DEE BEST. LUBB JU HUNNIE! THE HOSPITAL WOULD NOT BE GOOD
IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU BEING MY PARTNER.

MY BABIE BOY RAY RAY; LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY! YOU'RE GETTING SO BIG :D I SO PROUD OF YOU!! I MISS YOU RAY RAY. SO MANY MEMORIES. NEVER FORGOTTEN.

KIMBO; LOVE YOU GIRL. MY CABBAGE PATCH =D YOU AND YOUR STORIES. YOU'RE MY FAVORITE WHITE GIRL.

BUTTERCUP!! TYRESE GIRL, YOU'RE MY BFF. YOU'RE SO KUTE!
AND I LOVE YOU HUBBIE! MY EFFIN HUSBAND. I WISH I COULD CHILL WIT
YOU MORE , BUT MY ASIAN PARENTS HUNNIE. BUT YOU'RE MY GIRL. AND
NO MATTER WHAT I LOVE YOU.

HABEEBA HABEEB! BEEBA BEEP BEEP; HIGGA; MY NIGGA. YOU'RE THE BEST! I LUBB JU NIGGA! YOU'RE SO FUNNIE. AND ALWAYS MAKE ME SMILE. YOU MEAN A LOTS TO ME. MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW OR MORE THAN YOU THINK.

MANINDY MANINDY JU ARE SO PRETTIE! I LOVE YOU HUNNIE!
YOU HELP ME SO MUCH WITH STUFFS. YOU'RE SO SWEET AND
I LUBB JU SO MUCH. YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. WHEN I AM DOWN
BOUT SOMEONE (YOU KNOW..) YOU ALWAYS HELP ME. AND YOU ARE SO
NICE. NOT MANY PEOPLE LIKE YOU. I LUBB JU MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER
KNOW!

JO JO! I LOVE YOUUU. AHH YOU'RE SO SEXY! AND SO GAY!!! HAHA.

BUT YOU'RE SO SEXY LOL AND YOU'RE SO GAY AND I LOVE YOU ANYWAY.

CHRIS; WE BEEN THROUGH A LOT. YOU'RE KEWL. LIKE ICE! LOL
BUT IDK. YOU MAKE ME WONDER SOMETIMES. BUT HEY, YOU'RE GREAT.

BUT THESE TWO ARE MY BFFS FOR ALWAYS!

MUS!C@!!

2008-11-28T14:41:00.000-08:00

I've got a new obsession. Haha. Sike Not much of an Obsession, but I swore
that I'd stick to my true love ; R&B HIP HOP JAZZ OLDIES RAP ETC; allll
that goooood stuff except for that CRAZY METAL CRAP OR COUNTRY?!

But you know what? Personally IDGAF anymore. I love music.
Someone got a problem with it; keep it to yourself because good
music is simply good music. All music is great. And we are all
entitled to our own opinions. And I am letting mine be known!

I am in looooooooooooooove with this
Screamo/Techno Band ; ATTACK ATTACK! ii LOVEEEE THEM!

A Hecontoruh showed me them and iii am addicteddddddddddd.

I also love that country girl Taylor Swift;

Her music is lovely and she is Beautiful.

I love Music. And I always will :)
No matter what kind.
No matter what anyone thinks.
No matter WHAT.

November 25, 2008

2008-11-28T14:24:00.000-08:00

MY LIFE BE LIKEEEEEEEEEEE;

I'm Sorry

2008-11-24T20:03:00.000-08:00

You know what? I wanna scream. I wanna shout.
I really want to come outside of my body, and beat the hell out of me.
I already pulled my hair out.
Beat myself as much as I could.
But I promise you, none of this will ever hurt as bad as to the words I hear, and all the drama that is here.
DESPITE WHAT YOU SAY, ABOUT TRUSTING MY WORD AGAINST THEIRS,
I know for a fact, it is HIS word against mine.
You know it hurts me to know, that you love him more than I.
But no I am not jealous, no I do not blame you
I take responsibility for what I said, but let me tell you one thing.

If anyone ever loved you, it was I.
And anything over that is a lie.

CRU$H.

2008-11-23T16:02:00.001-08:00

I LOVE THIS SONG!

Crush -

Why do I keep running
From the truth
All I ever think
About is you
You got me hypnotized
So mesmerized
And I just got to know

Do you ever think
When you're all alone
All that we can be
Where this can go
Am I crazy
Or falling in love
Is it really
Just another crush
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way you do
'Cause I'm trying, trying to walk away
But I know this crush
Ain't goin' away.

Responsibility.

2008-11-23T15:55:00.000-08:00

I am so lucky.
I'm so blessed.
And I still complain for more.

I'm so stupid.
But than again, I do appreciate what I have.
I just don't take advantage of things.

But today, I am happy for the people in my life.
Even if they don't love me, I love them.
SO MUCH.

Even if drama has a part to do with it,
I will learn to accept what has happened.
No matter what, even if people hate me afterwards,
because I too am at fault.

ahh sexy song.

2008-11-16T21:03:00.000-08:00

mmm this song turns me on ;) haha lmao ; sikee , but yeah sexy song.

Trading Places - Usher

Maybe

2008-11-12T18:52:00.000-08:00

Maybe if I ran away, they'd all go crazy. Maybe they'd care. Better yet I know they would, but would they ever give me my freedom? Would they ever give me my privacy? Would they ever respect my thoughts, my actions, my beliefs, my heart?

NO.

I am horrible. Like a domino chain going down the line. One fall, two fall, three fall, all fall.
I keep falling and I DON'T STOP.

I feel like an outsider.
In school, at HOME.
In school I share my excitements for our new President.
I walk in to the class, proudly preach the words; "OBAMA! OBAMA! OUR NEW PREZ!"

And I get looked down upon, and I hear their criticism. I hear the hate, the anger, and I feel their pain.

But I have faith in him. Any they should too.
Despite his stupid middle name.
Despite what you THINK*;
He is here to make better, nothing more, nothing less.
JUST BECAUSE I'M 1 OUT OF THE 5 COLORED PEOPLE IN MY SCHOOL,
DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT GONNA SHARE WHAT I WANT TO SAY.

AND IF I DO, DON'T JUDGE ME.
BECAUSE I SPEAK OF ONLY HAPPINESS.

AND IF YOU CAN'T BRING ANY PEACEFUL THOUGHTS TO OUR WORLD,
THAN KEEP IT TO YOUR KIND SELF.

"Love all. Trust Few. Do wrong to NO ONE."

Reasons.

2008-11-08T21:29:00.001-08:00

Bong Bong got in a car accident today.
Smashed his car up! The whole grill.
It's sad. We just got it repaired.

But I don't think he's bad.
I think that

everything happens for a reason.

Nigga's.

2008-11-04T14:38:00.000-08:00

Eff boys. Eff Nigga's. ALL OF THEM. I'm hurt. Or maybe I'm just so sensitive. No one can know the truth. But in my heart, in my thoughts, I'll never forget what happened last night. I'll never like/love a boy again.

I Need To Get Myself TOGETHER

2008-10-27T14:24:00.000-07:00

I'm so broken right now. No depressing stuff, actually its just that I'm extremely falling apart. I have got to get myself together! I can't complete anything. Everything is half done or unfinished. I'm sucha Butt. And I quit on lots of stuff. I hate being a quitter, but ey it is what it is. Why does my lazyness get to me so much? I'm really loosing it! And even now, as I'm writing, I should be doing my 5 page; front and back essay thats due tomorrow. Shhhhhhh....d. Where is the organized, fully-planned agenda-ready VIRGO at? Come back!

Pissed.

2008-10-26T13:51:00.000-07:00

Goober told me something I'll never forget. Something true, most of the time, and something I already knew, but since she said it, now its even more clear to me. She told me that parents are only happy when ever you work for them. Or when ever you work. They are never satisfied if its completely done though. Why can't they appreciate what has been done. Even when MOST of it is done. I agree. They always put more criticism on you. More anger and pain on you. And I don't need any other people jumping into what has to do with me. I don't care if you're my brother. I'm sick of Bong Bong. He really needs to stfu. When my mom is procrastinating about me, don't jump in and add to my misery. Matter fact, get the f@#! OUT MY LIFE. You are one of the biggest negative influences in my life. F@#$ YOU. I hate myself already. Kill me if you think I'm a b!@#$ oranything else.

REHAB

2008-10-25T23:12:00.000-07:00

Rehab - Rihanna

Baby, Baby, When we first met,
I never felt somethin' so strong.
You were like my lover and my best friend.
All wrapped into one, with a ribbon on it.

And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to ya?
Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do ya?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back.
And you are the one to blame
And now I feel like - ooh!

You're the reason why I'm thinking,
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more.
I guess that's what i get for wishful thinking,
Should've never let you enter my door.
Next time you wanna go on and leave...
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed.....

It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease.


I gotta check into Rehab Baby.
Cause you're my disease.

I LOVE THIS SONG<3

Dear You.

2008-10-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

Dear You. Yes YOU, reading this. I am sorry, deeply within my heart of mine, that I cannot and will never be able to bring some happiness your way. I'm sorry I am not right and unfit for any size and that my still face is mistaken for anger. For that my smile seems unreal and that no matter what I do it is not ever good enough or at least worth some effort of action. I am sorry that the things I do are misunderstood, and that who I am will never reach a level of common sense, affection, some act of right, and/or your level of normal. I am sorry that I, Victoria Lovely, am nothing more but a failed, disrespectful, embarrassing, rude, bitchy, pissy, attitudish, wrong, ugly, immature, stupid, selfish, sister, daughter, friend, cousin, stranger, associate, student, girl-like individual.

For that, I rid of my existence from your blissful eyes, ears, mouth, structure and, soul.
I can and will never be a good individual.

NOT EVER.

FANTASY

2008-10-24T14:10:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna pretend that I'm standing on a bridge. This bridge is titanium GOLD. Holden Caulfield is with me - Dexter Luy, Mah Yay Phang Bun Hieng, Confucius, Albert Einstein, J.D. Salinger, Heathcliff Andrew Ledger, Bruce Lee, Princess Diana, Bob Marley, Tupac Shakur, John Lenon, Martin Luther King, Edgar Allen Poe, Ghandi, The Good, The Bad, The Pretty, The Ugly;

All are with me and with love, with our hearts; We are all together as ONE.
And we find Peace.

We find PEACE.

Mom

2008-10-24T14:09:00.000-07:00

I'm always incomplete in everything I do now. What's there to live for now? I don't know what life is......Or most of all:
I don't know what a mom is.

Happy.

2008-10-24T14:07:00.000-07:00

Now when I look back, it went from love to shame.
Shame to hurt.
Hurt to confusion.
There never was true happiness in my life.

Ever.

Suckah

2008-10-24T13:47:00.000-07:00

My life is so boring. Haha. NO; it really is. Oh and I suck at it too. I'm just a.....SUCKAH. I want some awesome person to just pop into my life and take me beyond my limits. I don't want to live in fear anymore. I don't want to live while wondering about who is watching. I'm watching. That's all that should matter. But than I sound selfish. Huyyy, this is hard.

Today was my last day at the Nursery Clinical. It was the best time I ever had. People are amazing. I saw a baby boy named Stewart get cirumcised. It was painful to me, myself. I could feel it. There was a baby boy that was just brought into this world yesterday. October 23, 2008. I believe the name was BB Bethany West, or something like that. I do know that the last name is West though. That was my patient. She was amazing. People like that are people who save my life. It was nice. It was nice.

Yes, Nice it was.

OCT23O8

2008-10-23T19:03:00.000-07:00

It is exactly two months passed my 17th birthday. Isn't it lovely? Hehe. Well, I think that's craaazy. School was poopy. I felt oh so ugly. And when I feel ugly, my whole day is ruined. After school was nice. Cleaned, ate, texted, drove, and cleaned again. I learned something about myself. I'm soo chinky. Like chinky as hellz. I cannot escape it. And oh! KOREAN GUYS ARE SEXY. THEY MAKE ME WANNA EAT ONE! GOSH NEVER KNEW THAT SEXYNESS EXISTED.

I want one.
Mmmmm` yummy as hell ;)

later<3

I'M UGLY.

2008-10-21T13:10:00.001-07:00

I'm so cold. Inside and out. My feet feel numb. They didn't fall asleep, but they're so cold. Its more like when you run outside with socks on, in the snow, and walk around letting it steal your heat; Than you just sit on the porch, and your feet just feel like ice. My hands are cold too. And I'm hurt. Anyways, RANDOM: I don't know why I'm so insecure about myself. I really really, truly believe that I am ugly. And coming to think of it, why should that matter? And why do I care so much?! It really frustrates me. I'm so idiotic for thinking in such a way, and its funny I say that too, because still, I find myself stressing over it. But no, really, I AM SO UGLY! I feel like if no one can see that I'm pretty than they don't see me at all. When I'm in Cambodia, I'm considered the American Cambodian Girl. When I'm in America, I'm considered Oriental, Asian, Chinese, "Blackanese", Japanese, Korean. Never am I looked at as A PERSON. I hear people talking poop about different Asian people and they say how Chinese people are so ugly, and how the rest of us are too; That kills me. That's why I feel ugly. Because people talk poop like that, always saying Asians are ugly. So when people call me Chinese, I feel ugly, now knowing that from others' views; Chinese are ugly. Which in their case, they're referring to ALL Asians.

I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly.

Thats what I hear in my head.
Thats what I say when I see myself.

Why does beauty matter so much to me?
I don't understand.

Maybe it's because I value love so much.
Love is beauty.

And I guess I'm realizing that I will never receive love because I am NOT A BEAUTY.

So many men in my life; ACTUALLY SCRATCH THAT.
So many BOYS in my life always turn me down, telling me I'm ugly; That I look Chinese.

Well, love me for me than.
Not my face.

Sollers/Bad Day/Good Day.

2008-10-16T20:41:00.000-07:00

So, I woke up early today, than fell asleep, than woke up, than fell asleep, than woke up, fell asleep and than finally woke up at 6am. I got in the shower at probably 6:30. I missed the bus anyways. I got out at 6:52am. I woke up mommy. She didn't get in the shower until 7:10am. That made me late. Today at Sollers, we were going to start Clinicals for real this time. The bus leaves at 7:45am. I was already aggravated cause moms was taking her good time. We live almost 20 minutes away and we left at 7:30am. Likee damnnns mama, you trippinnn`!. Anyways, Cabbage Patch texted me, saying that she got my smock. When I got to the school everybody was on the bus. I ran in the locker room, dropped my stuff, and came out. Mrs. Loper stopped me arrogantly asking me where my smock was. I told her Kim had it. She didn't believe me. Whatta Butt. I ran on the bus even more frustrated and Kim didn't even have it! I had to run back in the building, get my smock, and than the locker wouldn't open! I was losin' it. Luckily on the fourth try, I got it. I ran back out, and than Albrecht tells me to get off the bus. Maryam's with me and Albrecht says that we can't go to Clinical's for the vending machine incident last Tuesday. She wrote us up with Office Referrals. I don't know why, but I lost it. Mare lost it too. I felt so guilty for Mare, but not my own, but also frustrated confused and unfairly treated. I don't know why, but I started ballin'. I cried like crazy. I screamed, and shouted and hit the door. I was mad.

Mare cried. I felt so bad. I wanted to stop her pain, but I was crying even more. I busted my butt tryna get there, and I awaited the Clinical's forever, and this is how I am treated.

When we got in the office, it wasn't too bad. It was nice. I told the truth and NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. Till than;

Let's put this in fate's hands, and allow honesty and rightousness to lead the way.

UNO.

2008-10-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

I wanna believe that I'm a good person. I wanna believe that I am kind. But literally, I am not. I am really disturbed with myself. Habeeb called me weird when we were chatting. Coming to really, really think of that, I realize that I am weird. I am weird, and it sucks. It hurts even more to have someone say it to me though. I mean I've heard it thousands of times, but when he said it, I really felt it. Today was bad. Than it was good. Than it was weird. Now its sad.

I took the trash out. The moon looked lovely. The sky and the clouds. Something about that sky. I swear if only I could fly up there. If only imagination, along with reality, had no limits; In good I mean; Than I could really go there. Some type of Aladdin stunt. That would be amazing. I wish I could. Maybe after life. That's what I'll do.